when the thing that brings you peace turns on you.

Painting by Michael Carson

Before I even begin this post I just want to say a few things.

1. This post is about me and me alone. Though I may mention others in it, what I say here has nothing to do with them, it has everything to do with how I relate to them and how their actions, thoughts, and feedback push me to be better. Better than I've been in the past. Better than I am right now. And of course better in the future.

2. Anything I write in this post, and really anything I write in this blog at all, ever, are words from the heart. I wish I could say this is a blog where everything is kept light and fluffy, but as the stars have it aligned, I'm not one who keeps things light and fluffy all the time. Naturally, I take myself way more seriously than I probably should, and though some would call it a curse, I sometimes like to think it's a blessing. I have no reservations in hiding who I am, what I've learned, and all the many ways I've epically fucked up already in this peachy little life of mine. I'm human and that's a fact I like to embrace. Not so I can use it as an excuse for mistakes made, but rather as compassion towards myself for those mistakes made. At the end of the day, we are our own worst critics. I choose to be more loving and forgiving towards myself with the intention to do do better next time, however tall such an order most definitely is. 

3. Nothing I write here is written for pity. I don't go balls to wall opening up about my life and any events that have occurred or happened to me, any conditions or insecurities that exist among my social and familial circles, in order to make my writing here more "compelling." I may be vain, but I'm not that vain. It really truly pains me to think that anyone would find me so desperate to hook readers that I would deliberately design a pity party in order to achieve just that. I write what is true. What is in my heart/mind at any given time. I write it, not because I want to, but because I have to. Writing is my outlet, my therapy, my form of expression. And anything I write here is not meant to hurt or offend anyone. I understand that there will be things said that others may not agree with, but I don't come on here to start drama or to put others down or to be cruel in any way. If my dumb jokes and my sometimes blurry attempts to appear loving comes across in any other way than simply loving, then to every single person who ever stumbles upon this blog, I apologize in advance. I love you and my purpose here is not to gain your sympathy. It's to gain your understanding, your community, and your own stories, so that I may have the blessed chance to return the love, the understanding, and the community. To give back. To relate. To keep it real in saying that no one in this God forsaken earth is alone. There is love, there is each other. Reach out.

(4. The more serious the post, the more long it tends to be. I'm just sayin. Brace yourself.)

K. Now that that's out of the way. I will now officially begin this post. Heh, I know. You're probably thinking to yourself... "What the hell happened???" Well. Allow me to fill you in.

This morning I got my first piece of negative feedback. It was followed up by a very mean and hateful comment. I knew one of these was eventually going to hit me. It seems to only be natural when making all of your thoughts and feelings completely accessible to the public. Having opened my heart, body and soul to a number of different men, and having my heart completely shit on in nearly all those movements, it seems only obvious that opening the floor to a whole world of people everyday was going to increase those chances of getting shit on again. I knew this, and feared the day those negative words would come, as I take every negative thing said about me/to me very hard. I am not a person who enjoys conflict or to be at odds with anyone ever. I think like most people, whether they admit it or not, I want to be liked and I want to be loved. I want to be viewed under a positive light. And I'm not a fan of hurting people's feelings. Especially when those feelings belong to someone in my own family.

This morning, in a very hasty manner, I was awaken by my youngest sister. She burst into my room and the first thing she said to me was, "I don't like your stupid blog post." Immediately, I thought two things, 

1. Wow, you actually read my blog today 

and 

2. I know, that video was super lame, huh. 

Before I even had the chance to relay those thoughts into words, I got smashed in the corner with a string of curses and tears and broken words that brought me more awake than any cup of Starbucks and/or bacon could engineer. From groggy, sleepy, and not too cranky actually to awake, shocked, and confused.. there I was. 

Before I knew it she had stormed off and all I could do was sit there for a super duper long moment, after being brutally cursed at and think, "Wait WHAT ?" 

Turns out, what was one of the most emotionally arduous things I've ever written, totally rubbed my sis the wrong way. It was hard to begin to recognize how this was even possible when as I was writing that post, I was literally sobbing. Sobbing because I was overwhelmed with the acknowledgement of how much love I have for my family. How much love, despite all the dysfunction and yelling that goes on around here, all the words ever spoken we wish we could take back, all the words we wish could say, but continue to lack the courage to, all the blessings in one another we take for granted constantly... in the process of writing that post, I felt a moment of peace and thanks to the Universe and God for giving me the people I know as Mom, Dad, Brother, Sisters, Step-dad, Step-Mom, Step-siblings, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. Even though not every name was brought up and addressed, that whole post was to my entire family. That whole post was a declaration of my unconditional love for them, whether they already know it or not. The last thing I ever meant to do was offend/hurt any members of that party. BUT as it turns out, my attempts to be funny and endearing failed. Epically.

At first glance, it was easy for me to jump to the conclusion that my sister was "over-reacting". I mean, it certainly didn't warrant the things that were said back to me, that's for sure. But having had the day to reflect on what occurred, over-reacting isn't a valid label to give to anyone's feelings. People's feeling are their feelings, and if they are hurt, they are hurt. It's up to us to find it in our hearts to recognize that and do whatever we can to say we're sorry for hurting them, whether we meant to or not. Obviously, I didn't mean to hurt my sister's feelings, my whole approach to her was misinterpreted for the worse, and what hurts more than the fact that I hurt her, is the fact that she thinks I was trying to put her down on purpose. All I can do is shake my head, and think, really? Alas, this post here is not about whether my sister will forgive me or not. It's not about who is wrong or who is right. It's not about trying to get people to tell me that I was fine or not fine with what I wrote. All of that is irrelevant, and quite frankly no one's thoughts on this current beef between her and I matters. I simply had to share this piece of the story with you in order to get to the part where I was put in my own place in this whole ordeal.

In all the yelling this morning, it was only natural that my Mom was awoken as well and came running to the scene. As if getting yelled at by my sister/best friend at seven in the morning wasn't fun enough, here comes Mom, with the immediate line of questioning, 

"You're writing terrible things about your sister??" As if that's a likely possibility. 

I would have much preferred something more along the the lines of, "What is going on?" or "What is she yelling about?" rather than the automatic assumption that the sister I spend almost everyday with and drive everywhere and allow to borrow my very expensive straightener that I normally wouldn't allow even a sister to borrow, that the sister I have cried to and leaned on a shit ton since I've moved back home, would be of any interest to talk bad upon, anywhere. Ever.

And then in the desperate attempt to defend myself and my intentions behind such a now cursed piece of writing, I get a whole speech from my mom on just how not so wonderful I am. How I'm cranky all the time, and I whine whenever I have to give my brother a ride anywhere, and how I'm rude, lazy, no help, etc. In other words, how terribly likely it is that I'd be jumping onto my blog to exploit my family under a very malicious light. And also, just how terrible I am in general. 

This was only topped with a cherry on the end when the sister sent me a comment that was filled with all kinds of really mean and harsh things about me and my own life. Things in which are all true! But they weren't brought to me from a loving place. And not at a time where I felt particularly prepared to welcome them. 

Needless to say, today was a rough one. Lots of tears. Lots of feeling like I am in fact, terrible, and that I do in fact, deserve all the things that hit me today. It's just hard when in my heart of hearts, I do try to be good, to be whole, to be real, and to be loving. And when those things get missed or misinterpreted, I can't help, but to feel frustrated and defeated. 

They say that those closest to you have the power to hurt you the most, and that is certainly true. I can come on here and blog my life away, painting only my warm and noble colors the brightest, so that all you wonderful people are left with nothing, but a character that seems good and angelic. I can come on here striving to portray "honorable" all day, but I want to be honorable in actuality. I want people who know me, who have known me to attest to it, that I am. And though I believe I am, I know there is much work to be done. I'm trying, I am, trust me, but my crankiness is like a bad cavity that won't go away, and my family definitely sees the worst of it. Furthermore, they know me best. All of me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. They definitely have the power to shine light on any possible ingenuity at any given moment, and it's a power I fear because I pride myself greatly on being real and sincere. In all that I do. (In all of this, I often wonder too where my family chooses to recognize my goodness. If ever at all. It is there, I swear it is, and if anyone is going to know it, I would suspect it to be them. This thought process is one that often leaves my heart very broken. Sometimes it feels like all they wanna to see and point out is the bad, never the good. And it hurts a lot.)

This post is about how I'm a fucking mess in many ways. And how I want to be the first to recognize it and the first to announce that I'm working on it. Every day. Maybe a quick thank you to Eminem/8 Mile for the inspiration here, cause yeah, I am about to list all my faults here for all to read (/judge). Maybe take ten and come back because believe me, I know, this post is fucking long already. Either way, I'm writing this for me. Whether you are sitting at your computer somewhere reading this or not. This is for me.

It's about time that I come to solid terms with a number of things.

1. I have been battling with depression on and off since High School. I don't like to label myself as clinically depressed, but I have found myself very depressed at times in my life. I don't choose depression, just as I'm sure no one else who is depressed does, but I do believe that my tendency to think negatively and to give up on myself easily has attributed to those times when I've felt especially down and unmotivated. In an attempt to curve my tendencies to become depressed, I have long been practicing the art of curving my thinking. In my heart and soul, I want to be happy, I want to be fulfilled, and I know that thinking more positively in all situations has helped me tremendously. While therapy and anti-depressants may work well for others, I choose not to explore such options. I believe, for myself, that I can reach out to people (namely girlfriends of mine), and in addition to my writing, my running, my spirituality, and my own deep inner strength, I can use those things as my form of medicine and therapy. Though the going continues to get tough and I feel my sense of self and fulfillment constantly challenged at almost 25 years old, I think I'm fairing quite well in my battle against this demon of mine. Somedays are still hard. On those days I cry. Hard. For a good couple of minutes. And then I breathe and go outside. And I do something I love.

2. My whole college experience was a shitty one, and that's mostly my bad. I decided early on to not only hate it, but to give up on myself immediately. I let one comment by a voice teacher get to me so hard that it followed me the whole ride. That comment was made the summer before I even entered the program. College was a time where I let my depression take a hold of me in ways, I never imagined it could. It was a time, I lost sight of myself and did some things that I'm embarrassed to admit to now. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for giving me some small gleam of hope that things would get better, along with the reminder that I'm much stronger than I gave myself credit for during that time. God did speak to me in those foreign moments when I thought the living was no longer worth fighting for. He was there for me when I was completely lost and felt entirely alone. All I can do is say thank you from where I sit now. Thank you.

College was very hard for me, and I tried to find comfort in all the wrong places. I got involved with all the wrong boys and for all the wrong reasons. Instead of cherishing the opportunity to be educated and really giving it my all, I spent my study nights sleeping or crying on my bathroom floor from heartbreak, or picking up more shifts at work, because I was better at working, than I was at a school. School was "hard" and "I hated it." In reality, I didn't really give it a chance. Though I did make it to the end which is still a damn victory if I've ever heard of one, it's not the greatest victory it could have been. I barely passed college with a whopping 2.5 GPA average. If grad school is ever in my future, I have that stupid number to remind me that my first choice schools are most likely out of the question. In general, I have that number to remind me that I didn't try. I didn't give it my best. Not even close. In the end, I tried REALLY HARD to PASS, and that's it. Hooray UCI, and $20 grand in school loans. I could have done better here. But at the same time, there were life lessons learned in this experience that are irreplaceable. Turns out, I learned a lot, and whatever regrets I have looking back, they are matched with experiences that have molded me into the person I am today. And like my Dad says, a degree is a degree. 

3. I have a huge energy deficiency. Also since high school. I don't know how/what/why, and all I can do is hope that I don't have some rare disease/cancer living inside of me that is killing me slowly, but surely. I am not a hypochondriac--- my mother can attest to the fact that I have had very low-energy for a long, long time now. I can easily sleep for 10 hours every night and take a 2-3 nap every afternoon. I'm sleepy constantly and it has affected my daily routine in many ways. Is this why I'm so dang cranky all the time? Probably. I don't know. I've been doing a series of blood work for years now, and everything still comes back negative and normal, so I don't know. I've tried everything from vitamins to exercise to adderall, and though those things have helped, I still feel tired. Now, I'm being tested for narcolepsy, which seems a little unlikely since I don't ever find myself passing out randomly, but at this point, I'll explore any possibility. I just want to know what is wrong with me and what I can do to fix it. Especially since I'm moving to New York City. Holy hell, how will I keep up??? I will, but I know the challenge that awaits me.

4. I have a very awkward and cold relationship with my step-father and my step-siblings. I don't know why exactly this is. And though I am fully aware of it, it seems to be a constant struggle trying to warm up to them....still. It's been like twelve years. I think about it, but then when the time or opportunity comes, I just don't. I know they mean well, especially my step-dad, and in many, many instances, my heart goes out to him, but it is never ever shown in such a way that he may recognize it. I feel guilty about this constantly. If I were ever to see a therapist, I think this would definitely be a subject I'd want to explore. I want so badly to break this distance, to get over whatever it is that keeps me from letting these people who have married into my family.. into my heart. 

5. I'm not as close with my younger brother as I'd like to be. Maybe this has much to do with the fact that I left home when he was in 5th grade and have now returned to a young man that is taller than me in the 10th grade. Perhaps some crucial years have been lost there? Apparently, he is reluctant to ask me for rides, favors, anything.. and this makes very sad. I don't want to be unapproachable to my own brother. I want him to know that I love him, and that I'm here for him, as his sister and as his friend. I want to fix this more than anything.

6. My diminishing faith and relationship to God has very little to do with my opinions of organized religion and evangilism. Don't get me wrong those opinions are still strong and very affective, but my diminished faith has more to do with the fact that I can't stand to give my Mom and Step-dad the satisfaction of me being religious again. I feel like if I were to ever embrace God and a relationship to him like I did in the past, I want to do it because it's in my heart to do so. Not because I'm fulfilling a desperate request from my parents to do so. It drives me up the wall, that it matters to them so much what I do and do not choose to believe. I'm finding my way back to God and church and what I do believe in for myself little by little, and in that process I'm trying hard not to let the approving smiles and nods from said individuals get to me. I'm trying to put those things aside. I'm really trying. 

7. I don't call my dad back as quickly as I should. Sometimes I forget to call him back all together. This hurts his feelings and I really need to be more sensitive to this fact. I tell him over and over that it's not intentional, of course I'm not ignoring him, but I fall guilty to the "oh, it's just Dad" and "I'll just call him back later." The more I have really thought about this, the more I feel like complete shit. I'm working on this and all I can hope is that he knows I do love him. I think of him often. And again, I'm trying.

8. I am absolutely horrible with money. Horrible. I've gotten better. But I'm still horrible. Just today, I called about getting a credit card of mine unrestricted. It became restricted because I maxed it out and then kind of stopped making payments on it completely for SIX MONTHS. Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot. Anyway. After paying off all seven hundred and something dollars of it, I called hoping that they'd unrestrict the credit card so that I may have use of it in my future irresponsible spending (which I like to think will be responsible spending in NYC). Well, so much for that. The guy on the phone, Eddie, was his name, tells me in a very apologetic/I feel sorry for you kind of voice:

"I'm sorry, but I just checked your account and unfortunately your card can not be unrestricted. You can no longer be an active Capitol One card member. It is a business decision the company has made. I'm so sorry."

Whoah. Business decision? Aren't those some fancy terms you use to describe conclusions made. In a pretty defensive tone, I responded with, "Great! I don't want to use the card! May I close my account?"

Sure, he says. And account is closed.

My credit score is a number I never want to meet.

It would probably make nice friends with my college GPA in the clique titled, "Disappointing Numbers".

I'm not good with money, but I have gotten better. At the moment, I have just about all of my debt completely paid off (minus the school loans, lets not talk about that) and it's the most I can say about my financial standing in a long time.

9. I have let a lot of boys/men in my life take advantage of me in ways that are simply not ok. Today, I do stand tall. I do know what is best for me and I do not allow myself to settle for anything less than that. I open my heart to every relationship, everytime. I don't let experiences of my past keep me from doing so, but with that being said, I still have some old ghosts that creep up on me every now and then. I question the motives of men I see often, and phrases like, "You're beautiful" and even "I love you" don't mean anything to me anymore. I want to see these things. I don't want to hear them, I want to see them. I've been through enough bullshit to call bullshit and at this point it's a great tool to have for some hopefully *fingers crossed* future success. But there are scars here and there is much exhaustion. As you all know, I have taken an oath to remain celibate and single for all of 2012, and much of that has to do with the fact that I have let love into my life in all the wrong ways (mostly). In that, I've taken away opportunities to better my own self and work through some of the damage and abuse I've faced in the past. The trying continues.

10. My relationship with my mom is complicated. Difficult. Often tiring. I love her more than I think she will ever allow herself to believe and still, we have our differences. Somedays I feel like no matter what I do it will never be enough. Other days, I know I don't do enough at all, and I try to do more. It's just a constant work in progress and the very least I can do is give her a hug at the beginning and/or end of the day, no matter what happens in between. Those hugs are the best, and there is no replacement for the powers of healing they hold. 

11. I feel guilt. A lot. There are so many situations that I've been in where looking back I feel as though I could have acted differently. I could have done better. I should have been more aware. I shouldn't have been so damn self-involved that I didn't even have the time to consider what someone else was feeling or going through. I should have stopped talking and started listening. I should have stood up for that person. I should have stood up for myself. I should have risen to the occasion. I should have known better.

  I should have known better.

That one plays in my head like a fucking anthem that was written for me and me alone. And you know what I'm learning? It's this: In most cases, I didn't know better. I know better now, and so looking back I can't help but to be mad at myself and ask why I didn't act differently. Well, I was in a different place then, with a different view then I have now. I have to remember to keep this truth in mind in all that I do. In all the non-stop reflecting I do and guilt I feel, day in and day out. Mistakes are made so that we may learn from them. This is life.

12. Insecurities & second-guessing. They are there. Many people have congratulated me on my confidence, and confident I am certainly, in a number of ways, but if this post tells you anything, it's that I do have a number of uncertainties as well. Flaws and faults, definitely. There are jobs I quit that I wonder about, I wonder if quitting them was the right move. There are friendships lost that I do blame myself for. Relationships failed that I do blame myself for. Good people that I have hurt. Temptations I have given in to. I have cheated. I have lied. I have taken things for granted. And I'm cranky a lot. Did I mention that already?

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These are all things about myself that I am just now learning to accept. Some of these things I've been aware of for quite some time. Some of these things I've only begun to grasp recently. All the same, I am working through all of it. Little by little. Day by day. I hurt a lot in the process of realizing/working through these things, and it's worse when these things are being reminded to me by others. It hurts because I know. I know. And I am trying. 

I am a young lady in progress. 

Please. Your support and your compassion is magnificently appreciated.

If twenty, thirty, or even forty years should pass and I'm still not conquering all of these things, or even making a conscious attempt to, you then all have permission to throw curses at me and tell me I'm terrible. Otherwise, all I ask for is love. Love and forgiveness. And faith. I can have all the faith in myself possible, but the faith of my friends and my family is still important. And I do politely request it. Please. 

The only thing I cannot guarantee is ever mastering the ability of talking about myself without sounding like a jack ass. That one I don't think I'll ever learn how to do, no matter how hard I try. Sorry.

Much like my time in college, I've recently come out of a pretty dark place. In the last several months, this blog has brought me more peace and joy than I could have ever imagined. Today unfortunately, that peace was shaken. It was shaken so hard, that for a moment I considered deleting the whole thing. Nothing is worth losing honor and respect from those I love. Not even a silly little personal blog. But see the whole thing was a miscommunication and in that miscommunication came this... which for my own well-being, was needed. I hope those I have hurt or wronged in any way ever can forgive me. If you have already, thank you. To those who I have maintained distance to, to those those who feel I take for granted, to those who think less of me in any possible way, I hope you can be patient with me. If you've given me patience already, thank you. I guess this post is for others beside myself after all. 

But it's mostly for you, Punky.

/Jen. Irresponsible, lazy, sleepy, not so funny, cranky, sometimes sad, little blogger---this is a reminder to you.

Watch your words. Watch your actions. 

Strive to be good. Strive to be better. 

I love you and I know you mean to be good. So Prove it.

(This is probably as real as it's ever going to get here. And I'm definitely going to have to think twice in future when including the names of others in my posts. Yikes, today was hard.)

***I have disabled the comments option on this specific post. If you feel it in your heart to give me a response or any sort of feedback, feel free to do so privately via facebook or e-mail.